Happy

I'm happy. Quite happy.

I'm the nothing-can-bring-me-down happy.

Agreed, its more of a "shut-'cha-cakehole-bitch-I-ain't-gonna-let-you-get-me-down" happy, but hey, its still happiness - I'm not gonna complain.

You know how there are Little happy moments and Big happy moments - today was one with a little happy moment which might, one day, bring Big happy moments.

Today started like any other. I was our last day of internship and I must admit, after two months of ridiculous college-work and uneventful work-work, I was ready to say goodbye and leave. About an hour into boredom, I got call from "De Boss" asking me to meet him.

Well, let me tell you something about De Boss. De Boss isn't really my Boss. My Boss (and by Boss I mean my boss's boss's boss) is on vacation - De Boss is the man who holds the same position in a sister company. As there are two interns working in De Boss's company and two of us in ours, we had to take our components together.

By components I mean these stupid evaluation thingies that our college is forcing on us - quizzes, presentations, group discussions and project reports - two of each. So we were supposed to do our report II and presentation II on a topic related to the work at our station. As our company is one that deals with logistics, I decided to do mine on the impact that transportation has on the environment.

Believe me, it was easier said than done. Knowing myself, I have to say, I hardly put in any efforts. I was making my powerpoint presentation during work and the day before the seminar, I attached an unsaved version of the ppt. So that night I had to slave away just trying to put a decent slide show together. Needless to say, I hardly practiced the speech that was supposed to go with it.

Next day morning I was very tensed. De Boss is a man with sharp eyes and he kept finding faults in everyone's presentations. I just kept praying for my turn to go all smooth sailing. When it did come, I went up there, worried and scared and somehow managed to fumble my way through the whole thing. Not too good. But hey, it wasn't horrible.

Despite my mediocre performance, I actually succeeded in impressing De Boss...

...which brings us back to the events of the day.

Mr. De Boss calls me to his office and says "I read your report, I am very impressed..." I don't remember exactly what he said, but I remember a few phrases, wonderful things like "bright future ahead of you", "many interns have come and worked, but you were different", "there is a spark in you, I expect to see your name in the papers one day", "what you did was great, keep doing work like this", "your generation needs people like you" ...

:)

I told all this to my parents and they were very happy. If only I could see the expression on their faces. Before keeping the phone down, my mom said "...we are very proud of you". Although they say this quite often (mostly just to make me happy), for the first time in a long time, I felt worthy of their pride.

And THAT's why I'm so happy :)

Where the mind goes to die

Lately I've been feeling a little discolored. I am doing things mechanically, just for the sake of doing them. I am neither interested nor uninterested. Its like boredom has seeped into every little corner of my world and is refusing to leave.

I want to do things, but I just don't think I can. Its not so much a question of ability as it is a question of end result. For what great goal am I doing what I'm doing? Everything is pointless.

I envy the generations before me, the era that had built my parents, uncles, aunts and teachers. Whenever I hear them speak about their youth, a little voice inside me begins to cry. Just quiet, silent tears of misplaced regret. Why wasn't I born in those days? Why did I have to be a 21st century kid? What keeps me in this world? Gadgets, gizmos and greed? Power play and pedantry? Self-obsession, self-image and selfishness?

Oh what's the point!

I wish I were a part of the groups my parents belonged to. The times when being in college was a chance to mature intellectually. When idealism would inspire sonnets and odes to flow from every cell of your body. You were not you, you were they. Utopia wasn't just a concept. It was your future. One that you would build.

Yes I know, they didn't really do what they had set out to. Many such generations failed miserably. They ended up doing what they wanted to change. Same old cities, same old desk jobs, middle-class family, two bratty kids, one car, one house etc.etc.

But at least they had hope. Even if they were just for a few moments of college life, they felt they could make a difference. That's a lot more than what I feel. Where there should be hope, there is apathy. I know the world needs me, the world needs anyone she can get to help save her. There are a thousand things I can do, a thousand things that I should do, a million things that I must do.But I just can't.

My love for the world is eclipsed by my love for myself. Not that I don't care, I do. The only reason why I chose chemical engineering as a discipline is so that one day I can be an environmental engineer. I do care. Just not enough. There are no idealist thoughts, no inspiration to change things. I know where my life is headed, the land of Same-Old Same-Old. And I know I need to prepare for it.

I wish I had the fire in me to change the world. All the personality quizzes I take tell me that I should be out there, healing the world. Instead I'm here, sitting on my bed, wrapped in a warm blanket on a Saturday afternoon because there's nothing I can do. Nothing I think I can do.

50 Before 20: This time no procrastination!

I'm turning twenty in one month and a few hours. Needless to say, I am freaking out. I feel as though I have accomplished nothing in the past 20 years,. Like most people I have a few certificates and a decent cgpa - but that's not what I'm talking about. I feel like I have failed to develop/accomplish something as a person, as an individual, as me. And the last thing I want to do is grow up feeling like a failure.

This is why I made a list of things - 9 areas and 50 things. They are neither interesting nor difficult, they are simply things I want to do, just to prove to myself that I am not as horrible as I think I am. The list includes:

7 blog posts

10 doodles

1 short story

1 play

3 poems

15 thank-you notes

5 "good movies" (open for suggestions)

5 new dishes (ditto ) *pescetarian alert*

3 new friends

I know some of them sound really lame (like the last one), but I really do feel that accomplishing all of this will not only make me feel good, but also help me improve as a person (or, to be more specific, help me improve as ME).

The ideal land and the ideal life

It has become a ritual now...I feel like blogging every time I feel unwell. Right now, a cold-blooded, sharp, ivory white tooth is tearing through the soft, tender skin of my gums. Gawd, that hurts. I don't think I like/need a wisdom tooth. I was happy (and mostly pain-free)  being an ignorant fool.

Thursday was was the last day of our college techfest. The Guest of Honour was none other than the superlady, Dr. Kiran Bedi. She spoke about two hours, explaining the what/why/when/how of the Jan Lokpal Bill. Sitting there, listening to Kiran Bedi speak, was a surreal moment - just being in the company of someone as interesting and admirable as her can make your day.

She told us about their bill and how it was better than the draft lokpal bill. She gave examples, statistics, ideas and what not. I admit, I don't completely believe in the Jan Lokpal Bill - the cynic in me isn't conviinced that this bill will be the solution we are all looking for. However, now is not the time to check its effectiveness. What this bill gives us is a chance, a chance to change the way things are being dealt with. And that, I whole heartedly believe in.

I may not be able to appreciate the beauty of the draft proposed by IAC, but I can admire the fierce passion with which Dr. Bedi speaks about her motherland. Its a beautiful thing... I wish I cherished something as much as she cherishes her country - that alone would make my life worth living.

In Rushmore, when Herman Blume asked Max his secret, Max said "I think you just gotta find something that you love to do and do it for the rest of your life".

I just hope I find my Rushmore one day.

25 Before 25: Because in 15 years after that, I will be eligible for cougarhood.

My friend Nirvana sent me a message today - among other things, she mentioned her TWENTY BEFORE TWENTY list - 20 things to do before you hit the big 2-0. I thought about it for a while and concluded that two-and-half months are not enough for me to accomplish the little goals I had set for myself. Why? Because they're not so little. So I've decided to write down a 25 BEFORE 25 list. I just hope it turns out well!


I am almost twenty - Gawd, this is so scary!


P.S. No, I'm not gonna post the list. Not the whole one anyway. Maybe a modified one that doesn't have a hit list *wink*

My Sketches pt. 2

These three I made recently...the last one I completed yesterday night - yeah, still lovin' it!

I'd love to hear your comments!

Good Morning (evening, actually) Bridget Jones v.2.0.0 is here

Returned home from new abode/hell/hostel with certain aims in mind:

#1 Shall read classics such as Pride And Prejudice, Emma, Wurthuring Heights, Jane Eyre etc.etc. that have avoided, till date on the account of being an Anti-Romantic.

#2 Will write great plays that shall attract audience from all over the world. Wes Anderson in particular.

#3 Shall not obsess about Mr. Certain Someone anymore.

#4 Shall lead healthy, guilt-free life.


However,

A. Bought Bridget Jones's Diary: The Edge Of Reason (book) instead. Do not regret said decision.

B. Have written nothing

C. Have turned into a sad, sad fan-girly type person. :(

D. Transformed into a self-loathing slob.

Have decided to keep online journal, Bridget Jones style. Of course, have no intentions of actually turning into Bridget Jones as she represents everything that I don't wanna be. Ever. Still. She had Mark Darcy and Daniel Cleaver drooling all over her...is being another Bridget Jones really such a bad thing?