Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Stuck in the mud

I'm in a very weird mood right now. Its like I can feel my life slowly slipping out of my hands and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I'm feeling equal parts of despair, loneliness, sorrow, confusion and boredom for no reason whatsoever. Maybe is just PMS, maybe everything that's happening around me has somehow managed to drill a hole through my once-impenetrable wall of obliviousness.

I used to think that living in hostel far away from home would give me a taste of the freedom and independence I was yearning for (while growing up). I thought I would finally be able to make my own decisions, see the world from my own eyes, feel things in person and not through a colourful story that belonged to someone else.

College life isn't what I was hoping for. If anything, I feel trapped and burdened all the time. I'm like a Man On A Mission - even when I'm enjoying myself, I'm doing it because its a part of The Plan. I don't even know what The Plan is, and yet I spend every waking hour following it. Everything I do, I do for someone else- my parents, my teachers, my family in general, my friends who are proud of me, people who are jealous of me, my future boss etc.etc. My actions are just reactions! When on earth am I gonna learn to do things for myself? Every time I get close to making a decision, someone makes it for me. Am I a participant or just an audience in the failed-gameshow pilot I call life?  Right now I'm stuck facing the consequences of two decisions taken by others on my behalf. Extra courses, summer programs - no one gives a damn about whether I want to actually do it or no. They just assume I'm gonna do it.

I am tired of all these assumptions. I'm sick of living my life like a lamb. You follow the thousands before you, you stick to the rules they force upon you, and in the end you turn into an old man's half-cooked dinner - I don't wanna be one of those! I want to be the pig that became a sheep dog or the the rabbit with a pocket watch....

Ah screw it - its not like anyone gives a damn. I'll just end up doing what people expect me to do, being the perfect Possibility Girl, feeling like a complete failure for the rest of my life and die an unknown woman.
A Beautiful Revolution

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