Saturday, July 23, 2011

Where the mind goes to die

Lately I've been feeling a little discolored. I am doing things mechanically, just for the sake of doing them. I am neither interested nor uninterested. Its like boredom has seeped into every little corner of my world and is refusing to leave.

I want to do things, but I just don't think I can. Its not so much a question of ability as it is a question of end result. For what great goal am I doing what I'm doing? Everything is pointless.

I envy the generations before me, the era that had built my parents, uncles, aunts and teachers. Whenever I hear them speak about their youth, a little voice inside me begins to cry. Just quiet, silent tears of misplaced regret. Why wasn't I born in those days? Why did I have to be a 21st century kid? What keeps me in this world? Gadgets, gizmos and greed? Power play and pedantry? Self-obsession, self-image and selfishness?

Oh what's the point!

I wish I were a part of the groups my parents belonged to. The times when being in college was a chance to mature intellectually. When idealism would inspire sonnets and odes to flow from every cell of your body. You were not you, you were they. Utopia wasn't just a concept. It was your future. One that you would build.

Yes I know, they didn't really do what they had set out to. Many such generations failed miserably. They ended up doing what they wanted to change. Same old cities, same old desk jobs, middle-class family, two bratty kids, one car, one house etc.etc.

But at least they had hope. Even if they were just for a few moments of college life, they felt they could make a difference. That's a lot more than what I feel. Where there should be hope, there is apathy. I know the world needs me, the world needs anyone she can get to help save her. There are a thousand things I can do, a thousand things that I should do, a million things that I must do.But I just can't.

My love for the world is eclipsed by my love for myself. Not that I don't care, I do. The only reason why I chose chemical engineering as a discipline is so that one day I can be an environmental engineer. I do care. Just not enough. There are no idealist thoughts, no inspiration to change things. I know where my life is headed, the land of Same-Old Same-Old. And I know I need to prepare for it.

I wish I had the fire in me to change the world. All the personality quizzes I take tell me that I should be out there, healing the world. Instead I'm here, sitting on my bed, wrapped in a warm blanket on a Saturday afternoon because there's nothing I can do. Nothing I think I can do.


  1. I sort of know how you feel. In one of my classes last week we watched a video about the Montgomery Bus Boycotts in the 1950's. You know, Rosa Parks and the whole controversy that followed. It was amazing. These African-Americans were a community and met regularly...thousands of them. They refused public transportation for an entire year...and they struck a crucial blow against institutional racism and segregation. That, my friends, is how you start a freaking revolution! How can anything our generation does compare to that? It almost seems futile to try.

    But try we must...because if a fire burns within us, the greatest crime you can commit is letting it fizzle rather than burn.

    Take this as a sign. This is your moment. Make something happen, however large or small it may be. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Perform a kind act for a stranger. Save an animal. Help someone less fortunate than you. Every good deed you do for the world changes it in some small manner...and every spark can start a fire.

    Believe in yourself, and strike the first match.

    ~Shane Pilgrim

  2. I often feel that I should have been born in the '50s, so I know what you mean. I'm an Electrical Engineer, and I am having a hard time getting super motivated as well. I'm sure if I just keep doing what I'm doing it will get better though. hang in there!

  3. @SP thank you for that was more inspiring than life has been in a while :)

    @Woody Keep doing what I'm that!