Where the mind goes to die

Lately I've been feeling a little discolored. I am doing things mechanically, just for the sake of doing them. I am neither interested nor uninterested. Its like boredom has seeped into every little corner of my world and is refusing to leave.

I want to do things, but I just don't think I can. Its not so much a question of ability as it is a question of end result. For what great goal am I doing what I'm doing? Everything is pointless.

I envy the generations before me, the era that had built my parents, uncles, aunts and teachers. Whenever I hear them speak about their youth, a little voice inside me begins to cry. Just quiet, silent tears of misplaced regret. Why wasn't I born in those days? Why did I have to be a 21st century kid? What keeps me in this world? Gadgets, gizmos and greed? Power play and pedantry? Self-obsession, self-image and selfishness?

Oh what's the point!

I wish I were a part of the groups my parents belonged to. The times when being in college was a chance to mature intellectually. When idealism would inspire sonnets and odes to flow from every cell of your body. You were not you, you were they. Utopia wasn't just a concept. It was your future. One that you would build.

Yes I know, they didn't really do what they had set out to. Many such generations failed miserably. They ended up doing what they wanted to change. Same old cities, same old desk jobs, middle-class family, two bratty kids, one car, one house etc.etc.

But at least they had hope. Even if they were just for a few moments of college life, they felt they could make a difference. That's a lot more than what I feel. Where there should be hope, there is apathy. I know the world needs me, the world needs anyone she can get to help save her. There are a thousand things I can do, a thousand things that I should do, a million things that I must do.But I just can't.

My love for the world is eclipsed by my love for myself. Not that I don't care, I do. The only reason why I chose chemical engineering as a discipline is so that one day I can be an environmental engineer. I do care. Just not enough. There are no idealist thoughts, no inspiration to change things. I know where my life is headed, the land of Same-Old Same-Old. And I know I need to prepare for it.

I wish I had the fire in me to change the world. All the personality quizzes I take tell me that I should be out there, healing the world. Instead I'm here, sitting on my bed, wrapped in a warm blanket on a Saturday afternoon because there's nothing I can do. Nothing I think I can do.

50 Before 20: This time no procrastination!

I'm turning twenty in one month and a few hours. Needless to say, I am freaking out. I feel as though I have accomplished nothing in the past 20 years,. Like most people I have a few certificates and a decent cgpa - but that's not what I'm talking about. I feel like I have failed to develop/accomplish something as a person, as an individual, as me. And the last thing I want to do is grow up feeling like a failure.

This is why I made a list of things - 9 areas and 50 things. They are neither interesting nor difficult, they are simply things I want to do, just to prove to myself that I am not as horrible as I think I am. The list includes:

7 blog posts

10 doodles

1 short story

1 play

3 poems

15 thank-you notes

5 "good movies" (open for suggestions)

5 new dishes (ditto ) *pescetarian alert*

3 new friends

I know some of them sound really lame (like the last one), but I really do feel that accomplishing all of this will not only make me feel good, but also help me improve as a person (or, to be more specific, help me improve as ME).

The ideal land and the ideal life

It has become a ritual now...I feel like blogging every time I feel unwell. Right now, a cold-blooded, sharp, ivory white tooth is tearing through the soft, tender skin of my gums. Gawd, that hurts. I don't think I like/need a wisdom tooth. I was happy (and mostly pain-free)  being an ignorant fool.

Thursday was was the last day of our college techfest. The Guest of Honour was none other than the superlady, Dr. Kiran Bedi. She spoke about two hours, explaining the what/why/when/how of the Jan Lokpal Bill. Sitting there, listening to Kiran Bedi speak, was a surreal moment - just being in the company of someone as interesting and admirable as her can make your day.

She told us about their bill and how it was better than the draft lokpal bill. She gave examples, statistics, ideas and what not. I admit, I don't completely believe in the Jan Lokpal Bill - the cynic in me isn't conviinced that this bill will be the solution we are all looking for. However, now is not the time to check its effectiveness. What this bill gives us is a chance, a chance to change the way things are being dealt with. And that, I whole heartedly believe in.

I may not be able to appreciate the beauty of the draft proposed by IAC, but I can admire the fierce passion with which Dr. Bedi speaks about her motherland. Its a beautiful thing... I wish I cherished something as much as she cherishes her country - that alone would make my life worth living.

In Rushmore, when Herman Blume asked Max his secret, Max said "I think you just gotta find something that you love to do and do it for the rest of your life".

I just hope I find my Rushmore one day.

Needs v/s Wants

One of the first things we learnt in Marketing was the difference between a "need" and a "want". From a marketer's perspective, the difference was clear and simple -a  need was described as something that one had to have and a  want as something one would like to have. For example, take the difference between needing an iphone and wanting an iphone - you can tell exactly which category you belong to without extensive soul-searching. While studying all of this, I never considered applying the needs-wants idea to one's emotions. Take, for example, something as simple as happiness - do you need happiness or do you want happiness? Which of the two options is exactly right?

When you consider Happiness to be a need, you are stating that the absence of the same would cause a negative outcome, which, as per Wikipedia can be anything from dissatisfaction to death. Now, I do know people who are so hell bent on being happy that even a minor setback in their "Perky-Plan" drives them nuts. So yes, Happiness can be a need.

Lets think about the second option now - Happiness as a want- something that you would like to have. Take me for example - like every other (average) human soul, I would like to be happy. Being unhappy won't ruin anything for me (in fact, I'm the melancholic kind), but yes, being happy would make me happy. So I guess in my case, happiness is a want.

Yesterday I realized that there are a thousand little things that I don't actually "need", but I call them that anyway. To be honest, I can't think of anything that I really really need (emotionally). I have a million wants, but that's what they are - wants. I don't need people to love/respect/fear/admire me (I know many who do); I don't need a particular person/feeling in my life (it would be great to have them, but I'll do just fine without them); I don't need to be something/someone better (I have survived 20 years like this, I think I can handle life a little longer)

I know this sounds like a very obvious conclusion, but it took me the better part of the weekend to figure it out - if we don't really need something, why do we let its absence influence us?

And what doesn all of this mean? Well, that's simple - from now on, I'm not going to let something I don't have dictate the way I feel about people/things/situation. If I need it, I will get it. If I don't need it, screw it!

Good Morning (evening, actually) Bridget Jones v.2.0.0 is here

Returned home from new abode/hell/hostel with certain aims in mind:

#1 Shall read classics such as Pride And Prejudice, Emma, Wurthuring Heights, Jane Eyre etc.etc. that have avoided, till date on the account of being an Anti-Romantic.

#2 Will write great plays that shall attract audience from all over the world. Wes Anderson in particular.

#3 Shall not obsess about Mr. Certain Someone anymore.

#4 Shall lead healthy, guilt-free life.


However,

A. Bought Bridget Jones's Diary: The Edge Of Reason (book) instead. Do not regret said decision.

B. Have written nothing

C. Have turned into a sad, sad fan-girly type person. :(

D. Transformed into a self-loathing slob.

Have decided to keep online journal, Bridget Jones style. Of course, have no intentions of actually turning into Bridget Jones as she represents everything that I don't wanna be. Ever. Still. She had Mark Darcy and Daniel Cleaver drooling all over her...is being another Bridget Jones really such a bad thing?